Okay reason for the "crytic" title is that I am officially canceling the SSB fanfic I was working on.
most who read it could probably guess this was pretty much the case, but just wanted to make it official. Basically, I just don't seem to be a writer. what happens is that I will initially embark on a writing project, but as time goes by and I make progress, naturally, you read over what you have done to see how things are falling together - herein lies my "self-destruct" mechanisim it seems, whenever I look back I see the work as crappy and no longer wish to continue the project, this has happened over the entire time I've been trying to write stories and such, a history which goes back nearly a decade at least.
I also think that posting it someplace and making it public in anyway helps this little issue along.

That said, it's hard to really describe what I'm doing as far as my writing future goes. it's sort of like giving up on it, and then not at the same time. Basically, I can say I no longer planning on pursuing any passing desires to write, ACTIVELY...I'm tired of having grand ideas only to have the passion die out until I scrap them myself in the end. However, I haven't given up in case that if the bug does bite me for a bit again, I may well write a little something, here and there in the future, but I will not be posting it any more, or telling anyone about it. it would essentially be treated as a journal and kept secret. so more precisely, I will not longer post written projects that are incomplete, and I will not post artwork relating to such things.

so now writing that out...I suppose I would describe my actions as giving up with an open mind.
Or just a more passive, personal way of approaching it, I may wrote if I feel like it, but if I don't, and what I was writing turns into a random fragment to never be finished, then that's how it will stay. I will no longer pressure myself to finish anything.

which perhaps is something I need to do with my drawing as well in a sense - not give up by any means, no worries about that - but refraining from placing so many deadlines on myself. It's a hard learned habit, I think it must have started before the Art institute ordeal, and then when I was in school, it strengthened all the more.
before school, when I was so avid about going to an art school, I became very harsh on myself and my work, I still am, and to a point always will be, that's how we get better, but I felt I had to be in order to get to the level needed to enter a good school, and back then, my deadline was when I reached the eligible age to enter a college. Then in school I was faced with more deadlines and bars to meet - so in a way, for many years, that's all I've known. and it wasn't until recently that I stopped and asked myself, that now that I am no longer pursuing an artistic career, and I no longer have to strive to stand out among everyone else - why do I need to place all this pressure on myself? Who am I competing against?
and just the other day, I realized that the answer was that there was no reason and there was no one to compete against anymore. it was honestly a really strange realization. it's like chasing something really hard trying to catch it and beat everyone around you, then suddenly realizing that it's no longer there, and that you've been running full steam ahead even though you're the only one in the this race you've set up in your mind.

I realized it doesn't matter if I ever finish a story, it doesn't matter if I finish that new character idea by next weekend, and it doesn't matter if I'm a better artist by this time next year than I am now.

anyways, this post ended up WAY longer than I thought it would and went WAY off topic...seriously, that was a heck of a tangent! lol ^^'

so yeah...what was the original topic?...oh yeah...so SSB is canceled, no, Ame, Tai, and her sister are not dead to me, they'll remain in my little family of OCs with Lance and Nadia and the rest, and you may watch for their occasional appearances on my SkyGate account when I feel like drawing them.
that's the bottom line. later.